Sunday, July 6, 2014

getting sentimental

I've always been transparent about my excellent creeping skills.

A while back, I was sitting on the couch with my roommates and for whatever reason I decided I wanted to hack into my dad's old email and see what his thoughts were. Things that he had said that I wouldn't have otherwise heard.

I got into the account and found something that hit me hard. He had recently gotten back in touch with an old friend, who asked how his family was doing. This was his response to her:

My family is doing OK.  Struggling to keep up with me of course but healthy and moving forward.  My middle daughter Sarah and her two children Dylan and Kylie are still living with us.  The reconciliation never happened and she’s piecing it together slowly, but at this point I’d really miss these guys if they left.  Coralie and family are doing really well in Canada and Allie is starting her second year at Western Washington University in a few weeks.  She’s pumped…  She really likes the Bellingham area.  She actually stayed the summer there with a friend, found a job and took a course in Anthropology over the summer quarter.  She’s since moved into an apartment with three others, has maintained the job part time and is progressing quite well.  Right now her biggest challenge is going to be hard coursework.  She started Western as a Running Start student and they accepted all of her credits which gave her a Junior standing.  She is now at Senior standing.  All good stuff as she gets high on the list for courses that are hard to get that she needs for her degree but she is dealing with the fact that having accepted all those credits she has little wiggle room with any electives.  I think she may be in there for more than just this year.  One of my only hopes is to be there when she does graduate.

All it took was that last line and I was in tears. One of my only hopes is to be there when she does graduate.

I'm not an overly emotional person; yes, I have feelings, but I've never been one to talk about them. It's not that I try to close myself off... I'm just used to it this way. I'd rather silently be sad than talk about it. I know it's not for everyone, but that's how I am. But at that moment, I was suddenly bawling my eyes out in front of two of my roommates (who are beautiful and excellent and didn't shun me and instead offered support and hugs.)

I guess the point of this post is just to serve as a reminder for how far I've come nearly a year and a half after my dad passed away. It doesn't get easier, but you become more accustomed to the pain, the nonchalant references, the random memories.

My dad may not be able to see me graduate (hopefully this spring!) but I know that if he were there he would be so. incredibly. proud. of everything I've accomplished not just since starting college but also since his death. And that's something I can live with.


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