Wednesday, July 30, 2014


When I first started wearing makeup, I was too afraid to wear mascara. I thought I would poke myself in the eye and that it would look weird on me because I have nearly white eyelashes and eyebrows. (I did poke myself a few times.)

Eventually, my mom bought me some clear mascara and I started to figure out how to apply mascara without smearing black all over my face. Then I progressed to brown mascara, and eventually black. Now, mascara is the one item I will never, ever leave the house without wearing, and I've got quite the little collection. I thought I would make a list of my mascaras and lists some of my favorites (and not-so-favorites!)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Hi friends!

I've seen this kind of post all over other blogs I follow and I figured I'd give it a shot.

I love looking into people's lives and seeing what's making them happy and what they're up to lately. Is that weird? I hope not. In particular, I love seeing weekly "things making me happy" posts, so here's my attempt at it. In a perfect world, I'd actually keep my promises about making this weekly, so for now I'm not going to make that promise because I don't wanna break it. (I have such high hopes for myself.)

Also, before I get started, I'd just want to say THANK YOU to everyone for all of the positive feedback I got on my last post about my struggles with accepting my body and learning to love it. If I can inspire just one person to love their body unconditionally the way I'm trying to, then I'll have made a difference. But why stop at one?

Without further adieu, here are five things making me happy this week.

 1. This weather. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014


I remember being in a car with my best friend and her mom when I was about 13 or 14 years old, and her mom asked us both, "what is a part of your body that you love?" I immediately wanted to say "my eyes" or something like that, and she continued "not your face. your body."

I thought about it for a minute. What did I love? I'd always had hate this, hate that thoughts. I didn't love my too-big belly. I didn't love my thunder thighs. I didn't love my too-small boobs or too-flat butt. My skin was pale and covered in acne. Was there a part of me I actually liked?

All my life, I've been chubby. As I got older, I crossed the line from chubby to fat. This was hard for me to accept and I always resented myself for it.

Since I was little, I've wanted to change how I looked in some way or another. I've always wanted to be skinnier. I can't remember a time when I wasn't chubby and didn't want to lose weight. I've always been this way, and until recently, I haven't even bothered to accept that this is the body I will always live in and that I'd better come to terms with that.

Finally, one day I decided it was bullshit.

This isn't a post about losing weight or getting healthy. It's about the disordered thinking I've always had, and chances are, you've always had it too.

Why is it okay for us to think of ourselves — and others — so negatively? Can you remember a time when you thought wow, that person has really let themselves go in terms of their weight? I know I can. You probably can too.

Hating fat people hasn't moved society in any direction but backward. Hatred of fat people doesn't get rid of fat people or make them lose weight. It just imposes a standard that it's okay to hate someone and shame them simply because of their body size.

Oh, and if you think it's okay to be fat as long as you "eat healthy" and "exercise," that's not exactly helping, either. The idea that it's only okay to be who you are "as long as" or "if" you are a certain way is equally as toxic. That person's body size does not affect your life at all. So stop caring about it.

My body is my business. Your body is your business. 

If I gain 50 pounds, that is nothing for you to comment on. Conversely, if I lose 50 pounds, that is nothing for you comment on. As I said before, my body is my business. Commenting on someone's shape or size is likely something that will resonate with them and make them overthink. 

Stop shaming others for how they look. Whether they are 100 or 500 pounds, who they are is their goddamn business and has nothing to do with you.

Let's cut to the chase.

One day, I decided I was going to stop hating myself. I was going to love every inch of my damn body and not give a shit what anyone else thought.

It has taken a while — and while I am certainly not 100 percent comfortable with who I am — I am exponentially happier than I was five years ago, one year ago and even a month ago.

I stopped hesitating to shop at "plus size" stores because I realized that the people working at them were so understanding and kind and truly there to help you. Chances are, they're thinking a lot of the same things as you.

I stopped looking at junk food as "the bad guy" because it's fucking delicious and 99 percent of the population eats it. I stopped feeling guilty for enjoying it.

I started thinking about the things I loved about myself.

I kept my awkward chest bumps and double chin and not-white teeth because
they are a part of who I am and if you can't accept that then gtfo.
I love my too big belly because it keeps all my insides together and I don't really want those pouring all over the place. 

I love my thunder thighs because they are strong and help me go from place to place. 

I love my curves, every single one of them. 

I love my pale skin, even if it doesn't love the sun quite as much as I'd like it to. 

I've never been thin. And I probably never will be. And that's okay.

It's okay for everyone to exist, regardless of their size, race, ethnicity, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation or anything else that may make them different from you.

And when you stop hating yourself, and start to love yourself, it will show. I cannot stress this enough. You will start to love others even more than you already do. It will not happen overnight. It's a process. (You know that Roald Dahl quote... "if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely"? It's like that.)

Loving myself is by far the most rewarding thing I've ever learned to do. I am so much more than what I look like. I am made up of my passions, my hobbies, my experiences, the things I love to do and the way I carry myself and so much more. 

When people talk about me, I don't want them to say "Allie, the fat girl." I want them to say "Allie, the one who loves makeup" or "Allie, the pseudo-Canadian" or "Allie, the one who is obsessed with peacocks, coffee and the Beatles." If fat is all that you see me as, then you need to change the way you look at the world. 

I will change the world one day, one radical thought at a time. I want everyone to know how beautiful and deserving of love and happiness they are. 

So far, I'm pretty damn proud of where I've come.


Some websites that helped me change my thinking:

The Militant Baker — Jes is a blogger who isn't afraid to say exactly what's on her mind. She's one of the first bloggers I encountered and introduced me to fat acceptance. I don't know if I would have come as far as I am today without her.

F Yeah Body Positive — random art and quotes and photos of others who are also learning to luv themselves.

Redefining Body Image — from their description: "RBI focuses on using expressive writing, design-oriented work, photography, media, research, and community input to fuel fat positive, body acceptance, discussion, and outreach. Our goal is to redefine the way we view and think about body image, size, fat, discrimination, health, fitness, wellness, mental/chronic illness, stigma, and other related topics."




Thursday, July 17, 2014


Hi friends!

Today, I received my Ipsy. I'd like to get into the habit of blogging about these monthly, so here's this month! (Check out last month here if you're curious. There's a kitten involved.)

Getting my Ipsy Glambag is always one of the highlights of my month. I love getting the email that it has shipped, that my glamroom is open and then of course opening my mailbox to find the coveted pink bubble envelope.

^^^ Follow me on Twitter if you haven't. Sometimes I say funny things. I also just learned how to embed a tweet. Woo!

Without further adieu, here's what I received!

Thursday, July 10, 2014


When I graduated high school, a family friend (who is very near and dear to my heart) gave me a journal.

I'd tried keeping diaries when I was younger, but they would only last a week and I would lose all motivation. I thought the same would happen with this journal.

I brought it to college with me when I moved and it sat in a drawer. Then, one day, I figured out that I could use it as more of a memorabilia keeper than a journal.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


Hello lovely readers!

Today I've got a fun post. Well, fun for me, because I'm going to write about things I'm currently obsessed with that I love a lot. Here are some things I'm currently obsessed with!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

getting sentimental

I've always been transparent about my excellent creeping skills.

A while back, I was sitting on the couch with my roommates and for whatever reason I decided I wanted to hack into my dad's old email and see what his thoughts were. Things that he had said that I wouldn't have otherwise heard.

I got into the account and found something that hit me hard. He had recently gotten back in touch with an old friend, who asked how his family was doing. This was his response to her:

My family is doing OK.  Struggling to keep up with me of course but healthy and moving forward.  My middle daughter Sarah and her two children Dylan and Kylie are still living with us.  The reconciliation never happened and she’s piecing it together slowly, but at this point I’d really miss these guys if they left.  Coralie and family are doing really well in Canada and Allie is starting her second year at Western Washington University in a few weeks.  She’s pumped…  She really likes the Bellingham area.  She actually stayed the summer there with a friend, found a job and took a course in Anthropology over the summer quarter.  She’s since moved into an apartment with three others, has maintained the job part time and is progressing quite well.  Right now her biggest challenge is going to be hard coursework.  She started Western as a Running Start student and they accepted all of her credits which gave her a Junior standing.  She is now at Senior standing.  All good stuff as she gets high on the list for courses that are hard to get that she needs for her degree but she is dealing with the fact that having accepted all those credits she has little wiggle room with any electives.  I think she may be in there for more than just this year.  One of my only hopes is to be there when she does graduate.

All it took was that last line and I was in tears. One of my only hopes is to be there when she does graduate.

I'm not an overly emotional person; yes, I have feelings, but I've never been one to talk about them. It's not that I try to close myself off... I'm just used to it this way. I'd rather silently be sad than talk about it. I know it's not for everyone, but that's how I am. But at that moment, I was suddenly bawling my eyes out in front of two of my roommates (who are beautiful and excellent and didn't shun me and instead offered support and hugs.)

I guess the point of this post is just to serve as a reminder for how far I've come nearly a year and a half after my dad passed away. It doesn't get easier, but you become more accustomed to the pain, the nonchalant references, the random memories.

My dad may not be able to see me graduate (hopefully this spring!) but I know that if he were there he would be so. incredibly. proud. of everything I've accomplished not just since starting college but also since his death. And that's something I can live with.

Saturday, July 5, 2014


I'm not sure where it started, but all my life I've heard that summer doesn't officially start in Washington until the 4th of July. This is a reference to the weather, I suppose; normally, June is still pretty dreary with the occasional hot day, and July is when the weather starts to heat up. Well, this year is an exception. Yesterday we celebrated the fourth by barbecuing on our deck while it was raining outside. Today is pretty grey and dreary. It rained on my way to Starbucks this morning. How Washington is that?

No matter the weather, summer is in full swing. I've officially started my summer class (I'm a reporter for our campus newspaper, The Western Front) and although it's only been two weeks I'm already ready for it to be over. Luckily it's only a six-week course, so I'm almost halfway done. Weird.

Here's a short update of what I've been up to since the end of the school year.