nine

Hey, Dad.

Today marks 9 months since you lost your battle with cancer.

It's been a while since I gave you a life update.

I'm gonna try to write this like I used to write you letters in Freshman year and we were pen pals.

There's a lot you've missed since you've been in heaven or wherever it is people go (if they go anywhere. I'm still figuring out what my beliefs are regarding the afterlife.  I loved discussing this with you.)

One, we had an amazing trip to Europe this summer.
I know you planned it with mom before you died.  You guys talked about it and said it was okay to use some of the insurance money to send us on a trip.  It was just what we needed- well, if I'm speaking for myself.  When I think about 2013, I'll think of losing you.  But I'll think about that trip, and the beautiful sights in Italy, and the atmosphere of London and how badly I want to go back.

Two, school started again.
I'm in three journalism classes this quarter.  Law, newspaper staff, and photojournalism.  Law is kicking my butt because it's, well, law.  Newspaper staff is a lot of work but I love it anyway.  It's pretty cool seeing my work published and knowing that the entire school can read it.  Photojournalism... easily my favorite class. I've gotten A's on everything so far and I love seeing a new side to photography.  I know you would be stoked to see how well I'm doing with all this.

Three, I'm on Relay committee this year!
I know you totally supported me through the one Relay I did while you were still here.  You gave me a pretty hefty donation and I wasn't expecting that at all.  I guess for you it meant a lot.  Last year I was the 2nd highest fundraiser and Leo's Legacy was the top team.  Now I'm trying to be one of the people who makes it happen and help the ACS fight against cancer so at least one less family has to go through what we went through.


I found an email last weekend that you sent the other weekend to an old friend.  You caught her up with what was going on in your life, and then talked about your family.  You gave, like, one sentence about Coralie and Sara.  Then you proceeded to give a whole paragraph on me and how I'm doing.  You ended it with "one of my only hopes is to be there when she graduates".  I'm usually pretty good at keeping my cool and not freaking out, but I started bawling when I read that.  The things that get me are knowing you're not going to be there for the big things.  For instance, graduation.  You're not going to be there to see me walk across the stage and get that coveted diploma.  When/if I get married, you're not going to be there to walk me down the aisle.  My kids will never know their grandpa Leo.

A couple weeks ago I was walking home from class and had the sudden urge "oh, I'll call Dad" and then as I got my phone out of my pocket I realized I couldn't just do that anymore.

It's getting easier without you.  Well, I should say I'm getting more used to it.  There are some things I'm not sure how to get used to.  There are a lot of firsts to be had- my first birthday without you, your first birthday without you, our first Christmas without you.  I'm not sure how I'll handle those yet but we're getting there.

One step at a time.